Abiding

The ramblings of a woman striving to move forward while still finding joy abiding in the here and now.

Monday, January 23, 2006

A new abode

Well the time has come. I'm going to be abiding over at Typepad now. I hope you'll change your bookmarks and links and join me over there. I'll leave this blog up and running for a while but all new updates will be posted at the new abode.

In case you missed all the links above, click here to check out the new format. When you get there let me know what you think.
posted at 1/23/2006 |

Victory

For Wes...


posted at 1/23/2006 |

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A Grace Update

This is a picture of our precious dog, Grace. It was taken a year ago on Christmas Day.



Some people have asked for an update on this compliant little puppy.


This is as close as I could get to having her pose for a Christmas picture this year.




Always compliant? No.

Always cute? Yes.





posted at 1/17/2006 |

Thursday, January 05, 2006

You know you've been married for 20 years when...

...your husband falls while trying to perfrom a MacGyver move as he's carrying in the groceries and instead of running to help him, you run and get the camera.


posted at 1/05/2006 |

Friday, December 30, 2005

She lavished me with love

Her name was Pauline. She grew up in a remote part of West Virginia where she completed only eight years of schooling. She had four brothers. I don't know anymore about her family of origin or her upbringing. I wish I did. I loved her with all my heart. She was my grandmother.

For some reason my grandmother has been on my mind more than usual the past few days. She died 13 years ago. I have missed her presence, especially this Christmas. My Grandma Stoneking (my maiden name) never achieved great success in the eyes of the world. She lived in a very humble dwelling and made due with very little money. She never worked outside the home. I suppose to many people her life amounted to very little. However, to me she was amazing.

When I was young, we would visit each grandparent's home on Christmas day. We began by going to my mother's family. There we would be lavished with many gifts such as dolls, toys, and clothes...money was fairly abundant there. After dinner we would go visit my father's family. That's where I always longed to be. Usually we would each receive one gift. One year it was a pair of socks. Another year I remember getting a little ceramic toothpaste holder. The gift never mattered to me, what mattered was spending time with my grandmother. She loved me and I knew it beyond all doubt.

Several years ago while cleaning out a closet; I came upon a box that contained letters she wrote to me while I was in college. She wrote about the things she was doing around the house (like painting the outside second story of the house at the age of 75), her garden, my grandfather's failing health, and events at church. She would then end each letter by writing about how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. When I was growing up the words, "I love you" were seldom spoken...except when I was with her.

I wish I had taken time to know her better. I wish I had thanked her for the wonderful gift she gave me. Not the socks or the toothpaste holder but her love. She lavished me with love. Somehow I know if she had been here this Christmas the same would have been true. She would have looked right past all the mistakes I've made and told me how proud she was of me and how much she loved me. And I would have thanked her.

posted at 12/30/2005 |

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas

"And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. In the same region there were some shepherds...the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people..."
(Luke 7-8, 10 The Message)
On this very early Christmas morning my heart is so full that it's hard to find words to express it. The fullness comes from a realization deep within that "all people" includes me. The "good news" and "great joy" are gifts for me. The past several months I've been actively learning to accept them with open arms. This Christmas I pray that the same is true for you.

Merry Christmas!
posted at 12/25/2005 |

Monday, December 19, 2005

Note to self...

A constant diet of Christmas cookies causes you to feel horrible.

Next year, move on to the fudge a little quicker.
posted at 12/19/2005 |

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Getting old...

On Friday we had our first major snow fall here. As much as I always dread the arrival of winter, I do enjoy a good snow fall. All the schools were closed and work places were shut down giving people permission to stay home and relax.

Jeff and I decided to venture out Friday morning. We walked downtown to eat breakfast at one of our favorite restaurants. We were enjoying our time together until we stepped into the parking lot of the restaurant. At the exact same time our feet went out from under us and catapulted toward the sky. It was as if time slowed and everything stood still...except our hurling bodies. With exact precision our bodies hit the parking lot sprawled out like two over grown toddlers learning how to walk. If this adventure had happened several years ago my first reaction would have been to jump up, brush myself off and look around to see if anyone had witnessed this embarrassing calamity. Instead, we both laid there afraid to move. After a few seconds Jeff said, "Did you break anything?" I responded with, "I don't think so, how about you?" While we were laying there someone walked by and shouted, "Now that was a nice act!" We thanked him and slowly got up.

We are definitely getting old.
posted at 12/11/2005 |

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The gift of peace

I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas. I love the reason we celebrate. (No, I do not own one thing that says “Jesus is the Reason for the Season”). At the same time I hate all the stress and busyness. Each year I say, “I’m going to simplify” which is followed by my end of December proclamation declaring, “Maybe next year.” Well, this might actually be the year. Life in the Sawyer household has been fairly calm. There have been a few festivities…Dickens of a Christmas, decorating the Christmas trees (which both followed tradition and fell over the next day) kid’s chorus concerts, a few visitors…but all in all it’s been quite relaxed. There’s still some shopping and baking to do but I’m not stressing as much this year. And, things are simpler and more peaceful. Maybe the peace is a result of my age; following the AA way of life; taking the medicine or perhaps it’s simply a gift from a God who knew it was just what I needed.
"Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle." James 1:17 (The Message)
posted at 12/08/2005 |

Thursday, November 24, 2005

The pearls of His favor

"Remember God's bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor..." ~Henry Ward Beecher

When I think about the "pearls of His favor", my family is the first thing that comes to mind. Here we are shortly after consuming great quantities of food yesterday.


What is found in your "string of pearls"?
posted at 11/24/2005 |

Thursday, November 17, 2005

A question without an answer

This morning on the way to school as I was fiddling with my cell phone, checking my hair and makeup in the mirror, trying to write an excuse for one the kids and well, um...driving; Jacob, in an obvious state of disbelief looked at me and said, "Mom, how did you ever stay alive when you were drunk all the time?"

I had absolutely no answer.
posted at 11/17/2005 |

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Truth

From today's Daily Dig:
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." Plato (427 BC – 347 BC)

Truth is timeless.
posted at 11/08/2005 |

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The rivers of Grace

Well I did it. And, it feels good to have completed it. Although, it's a process I should revisit from time to time...a process that may never be finished completely. This process I'm referring to is my AA program of recovery, specifically Steps 4 and 5.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Searching. Fearless. Moral inventory. Admit. Wrongs. Ouch.

I have been dreading these steps. I think it's probably clear why. But, just in case you're wondering...

In my lifetime I have had NUMEROUS moral failures. My list of "wrongs" is long and humiliating and painful to ponder. I am however committed to this path of recovery I am on. I want to continue to move forward. Someone recently told me that the only way to coast is while going down hill. I have no desire to head in that direction. So, I decided (with the help of my sponsor) that it was time to tackle Steps 4 and 5.

Over the past several days I have taken time to look at my:
Resentments
Fears
Harm done to others
Self Esteem
Pride
Emotional Insecurity
Ambitions
Personal
Relations
Sex Relations
Dishonesty
Selfishness
Self-Seeking
Jealousy
Bitterness
I've learned a lot the past several days, especially about fear. I have written before about fear and the grip it has had on me. My life has been consumed with fear. I guess fear seemed easier to manage when I was too drunk to remember what I was afraid of. What really happened though was it continued to grow and fester and conquer and rule me in unbelievable ways. While thinking about doing this Step I once again found myself full of fear. However, through this process I have learned that the fear did not come in doing the work, the fear came in resisting it. I'm fairly confident that's true in other areas of my life as well. (Hmm...sounds like a future post.)

After completing my work on Step 4, I met with my sponsor to do Step 5. I told her everything...every moral defect, every resentment, every fear, every horrible thing I've done and the ways in which I have hurt others. It took so long that we need to meet again next week to finish. Actually, as I mentioned above, "finish" is probably not the correct term. She assured me additional things will continue to surface. When that happens I'll need to revisit this step. I'm okay with that. I've heard in many AA meetings that once someone does Step 4 and 5 they experience a great sense of relief. To spill out all your garbage to God and another person and be met with grace...well, that is a wonderful thing. And, that's exactly what happened for me.

St. Bernard said, “The rivers of Grace cannot blow uphill, up the steep cliff of the proud man’s heart.” So very true. This week I was humbled and as a result I received immeasurable grace. I really think I'm beginning to like this way of life.
posted at 11/03/2005 |

Friday, October 28, 2005

Passing on hope

There are times when I truly detest my crazy little mind. I have so many things to be grateful for but yet frequently I continue to find myself feeling hopeless. Times when...

I feel overwhelmed
I'm confused about God's will for me
I'm depressed
Options appear to be limited

When I find myself feeling hopeless something usually happens that helps open my eyes and my mind...something like a heart wrenching movie entitled, "Born into Brothels". This film is a portrait of several unforgettable children who live in the red light district of Calcutta, where their mothers work as prostitutes.

There is so much I could tell you about this movie however to do justice to the children I'll simply recommend that you watch it. There is however one scene I want to mention...a scene that left me speechless with tears streaming down my cheeks. Throughout the movie the children are interviewed about their lives. They exhibit insight and wisdom well beyond their years. At one point a child named Avijit begins talking about his future. He comments,

"There is nothing called 'hope' in my future."

Even now, several days after watching the movie, just typing those words brings another flood of tears to my eyes. To be a child without hope...not much can be worse than that. I have some famililarity with hopelessness. Five months ago when in a drunken stupor I hit bottom, I was convinced there was no hope. As I look back now I know that even in my darkest moments my life did not compare to the children in this movie or the millions of others just like them. However, the feeling of hopelessness and the pain that accompanies it was similar. I'm so thankful that I was wrong. My life today may continue to contain moments of desperation but there is hope. I am so thankful...so grateful...so humbled.

I earnestly want to share this hope that I have. I wish I knew exactly how to do that. I wish I knew what God's perfect will is for my life. Maybe I should fly to Calcutta and work with the children in the red light district. Maybe I need to reach out more to my community here where I live. I don't know the answer. I do know that on some level I'm very aware that to keep this hope I need to start giving it away. I guess that's a good place to start.

posted at 10/28/2005 |

Friday, October 21, 2005

The weaker I get, the stronger I become

Last Friday evening proved to be interesting at my house. It was homecoming in our little town. There was a parade, football game, bonfire and many other fun activities. After the game ended numerous kids found their way to our house. Everyone was happy and I was enjoying the energy and activity...until I made the HUGE mistake of drinking from a bottle of soda that wasn't mine. I took a big gulp and immediately realized that the bottle contained soda mixed with my long lost love, RUM. Jeff was standing near me and immediately realized something was wrong. He grabbed the bottle from my hand and dumped it down the drain. My mind was flooded with thoughts...
Why would someone bring alcohol into my house?
It tasted SO good.
I need to deal with the problem of kids having alcohol in the house.
I want to drink more (and more and more and more).
What do I say to these kids?
That burn down the back of my throat was wonderful. One more little drink won't hurt me.
Remember, one is too many and a thousand is never enough.

The thoughts continued to pour in, around and through my mind. At the same time my body reacted in a powerful way. My heart began to race, I started to sweat, my breathing quickened. It was horrible and yet attractive and inviting. I dealt with the issue of someone bringing alcohol into the house. That went very well. To protect the not so innocent I won't comment more about that interaction except to say that God was present and I somehow knew what I needed to say.

The rest of the weekend was difficult for me. The pull to drink was extremely strong. I had a hard time sleeping Friday night. When I did sleep, I had dreams about drinking. When I woke up Saturday morning I felt as if I had a hangover. At my Sunday AA meeting I shared what had happened. People reminded me that as an alcoholic I have an allergy to alcohol. Just a small amount ignites that allergic response. Someone also told me that if I ever find myself doubting that I'm an alcoholic, I just need to remember this event. "Normal" people don't sit around talking about how good a gulp of booze tastes and how wonderful it feels going down the back of their throat. Sad but true.

I'm doing better today. I've had an extremely busy week at work. On top of that, I'm sick. (Boo-hoo) To be honest, those two things (being busy and sick) have been a blessing. I've gotten through another week without drinking. And, realizing how completely weak I am when it comes to alcohol has somehow made me stronger. Hmm, kind of makes me think of this...

"Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size--abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:10 (The Message)

posted at 10/21/2005 |